The World is Quiet Here

GEDless Boy thinks I need to take serious time off between finishing school and starting work, to take time for myself. He worries that if I don't I'll spend my entire life being stressed out and perpetually unhappy.

Do I listen to him? Or write him off, like I often do?

Can't decide. Perhaps it's the caffeine that has made my brain cells too jittery for decision-making. Or it's all that work at the back of my mind.

Things I'm worried about:

0.5 Leaving this awkward St. Thomas coffee establishment with bad 80s love ballads stuck in my head.
1. Getting my PoCo paper back tomorrow.
2. Getting my WHR midterm back tomorrow.
3. For the first time ever desperately wishing I was home in Wisconsin rather than in this pit of death and destruction some call St. Paul.
4. Being unable to talk, and only able to scream.
5. Crying at inopportune moments.
6. Having nothing to look forward to.


Courage is for winners, letter-writing is for the weak.

It's a funny thing, how things work out. How the boy who's spent his entire life forgetting birthdays and being a flake, can suddenly be the one who knows to call at exactly the right moment. How the ones you used to be able to count on, are suddenly unaccountable. Suddenly gone, visiting, busy.

Life's a funny thing. Can't wait to have it figured out.

OMG, my job is making my life absolute hell. Seriously. Absolute hell. This is certainly not what I signed up for.

Who knew that students at such a good college would be so entirely lacking in the intelligence department, also seemingly illiterate.

Conclusion: I'm stressing out like crazy, want to quit my job but can't because I need the money, hell. Also, hell.

A few thoughts about life, which, as always, never seems to turn out the way you hope it will:

1. Only 3 weeks left of summer,
2. The gym doesn't work,
3. It's only Tuesday,
4. He's into my roommate?,
5. We won trivia.

Today I....

I. Woke up 2 hours later than I wanted,
II. Worked at The Desk for 8 1/2 hours,
III. Went to the gym in the last half hour of its openness,
a. Ran for 26 minutes exactly,
b. Ran 4 miles exactly,
c. Burned 315 calories, less than I hoped.

Left to do...
I. Girls' Nite,
II. Mojitos and/or Tequila,
III. Rise early for fun internship times,
a. Complete curriculum for Advanced Job Training,
b. Not kill my obnoxious supervisor,
c. Enjoy the experience I'm gaining...

Hey, at least I've got a plan.

I got up at 6:30 to be at work by 7:00, was given free coffee and a muffin by Joann (the nice Cafe Mac lady), ignored the tiny voice at the back of my head which was encouraging me to not go to the gym, went to the gym, ran 4 miles in 30 minutes (which I haven't done in quite some time), and have spent the afternoon reading terrible historical fiction and regretting the downloading of a lagging copy of "love actually". Despite the "love actually" bit, it's been a pretty good day.

Off to nap, and then TP and I are off to the High Winds Neighborhood Picnic, where we'll most likely abscond with many free desserts. Yes please!

I'm feeling absolutely drained. My life has spiralled out of control and left me void of energy and any desire to be productive. Currently, everyone I know is meeting with friends to wait in line at HP, for the midnight showing of my all-time favorite people. I, however, am sitting at home at The Bronze, being literally unable to afford tickets to the midnight showing. Here are some things that are going on, leaving me unable to find a peaceful existence:

1. Finances - you can't even imagine how broke I am. I know, I know. Everyone and there brother is "broke." Only, most of them are still leaning generously on their parents, for rent, groceries, travel and other life expenses. I am not. So I'm just plain broke. The normal kind. The kind with so little money to my name that I can't spend $13 on a movie ticket. Frankly, I'm panicked. I feel like I've applied everywhere around here, and no one is hiring. Fucking recession. I have no idea how I'm going to afford rent during the school year. I'm already living paycheck to paycheck and it sucks. I'm terrified I'm going to be so broke by graduation that I'll have no choice but to move back home until I can earn some money to live on.

2. Honors project - or, rather, the non-existence of an honors project. It's something I've always wanted to do, and can't seem to find the time to sit down and figure out. I don't have a serious proposal, so I don't want to approach my advisor looking like a fucking moron with no clue what I'm doing. Instead, I haven't talked to him since I got back, and am floundering around concerning academics. Well, "failing" would be a better word.

3. Jack - Dear lord. This bit is pure insanity. So, my best friend (off and on) since 5th grade. He comes to visit this weekend and confesses his love for me multiple times, despite my roomies not-so-subtle, drunken attempts to charm him (TP, I know you'll refute this, so we'd better just leave it here...). Honestly?! Why can't anyone normal be in love with me? Anyone who is not so emotionally needy they need to discuss their love life with their mother. Anyone at all, really. I'm not as picky as I pretend to be.

4. My Father - ever the bane of my existence, he does it again. One of the few men in the world I'm convinced will always be disappointed in me. He lays all of his issues with my mother on me, expecting to pass the word along. Did I mention he's about to become a foster father for his girlfriend/fiancee's grandson. Yeah. And the boys mother is 17 and in a psychiatric hospital. These are the kinds of people my father picks over me. Family's great.

5. Can I just say that it's fucking ridiculous that no matter how often I go to the gym, how little I consume throughout the day, I coudln't lose a pound if my life depended on it. It's shit, is what it is.

And that, dear friends, is my wonderful life.

Three cheers for those who have better prospects than me!! (In other words, everyone else!!) Hip hip Hooray! Hip hip Hooray! Hip hip Hooray!!

I keep having these strange moments where I realize I don't really fit anywhere. Not anywhere. I'm never as close to people as I think, I don't have as many friend as I think, I'm not as charming as I think, and am certainly not as integral a member of my friends group as I'd like to think.
I just go through periods where everything is wonderful and fine and I think "So this is what college life is all about." And everything is great and perfect. Then a tiny insignificant thing happens that makes me realize I'm not where I want to be. Not accomplishing anything, not doing anything I'd hoped to do, not important, not even useful.
It is currently one of the latter moments. When I've realized maybe I don't really have any close friends. Or, that I once did, then Russia went and lost them for me. Shit.